Driving myself crazy!

I wish that I could relax.  I wish that I could remain thoroughly optimistic.  I wish I could just trust that IVF will work and that I will finally join the Mommyhood Sorority.  Hmph. 

Instead...

I can't help but think, "What if....What if this doesn't work."  I can't help but to hope and pray that I don't have to hear about one more person getting pregnant before me.  I can't help but dread all the needles coming my way.  I can't help but be completely pissed that my period is inevitably arriving yet again and spoiling my hopes of a miracle baby coming to be without being poked and prodded by my RE.  I can't help but obsess over how far away January feels.

A friend suggested that I put some things on a calendar.  Small things to look forward to between now and January.  A date night, a pedicure, etc.  What did I do instead tonite?  Sit on the couch, curled up with a blanket in my lap and a sleepy pup beside me and read Having a Baby: When the Old-Fashioned Way Isn't Working by Cindy Margolis.  Why you ask?  Because when I start to feel the panic set it, I google, I read, I watch YouTube videos of people receiving PIO injections.  I feel like I need to be prepared.  And what better way to prepare myself?!

I have two cycles before IVF begins.  Two more shots at this on our own.  Then we will have our chance at a 70% (ish) chance at getting pregnant.  I should feel thankful for having this opportunity really.  We are fortunate that the stars aligned and that we can afford to do it now.  I should feel thankful that the technology exists to help us.  I should feel thankful that my husband is more then willing to go through with this (giving me shots in the ass probably has nothing to do with it, haha).  Instead, I am still feeling like I'd rather be announcing that we will baking our own turkey for nine months over Thanksgiving dinner with my family.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Honest?  Absolutely.

This baby-making journey sure did turn out different then I imagined it would 2+ years ago. 

*By the way, I am thankful for the above mentioned.  I just have to remind myself of those little tidbits sometimes....okay fine, daily.